So why do so many of us struggle with it?
Part of it is
power dynamics. You may feel pressured
to please people in positions of authority. You might think saying yes and becoming the “go-to” person might line you
up for a promotion, for example. It’s
not easy to say no, especially to the boss.
The official ranking systems aren’t the only factor. In an essay published by the American Psychological Association, Rebecca Clay cites Dr. Mary McKinney, explaining that if you are a woman or a person of color, you may have an even harder time saying no. When white men say no, they are viewed as assertive. Assertiveness is considered a desirable trait! However, when a woman or a person of color says no, they are often deemed aggressive instead of assertive. Not so desirable. And definitely not fair.
The official ranking systems aren’t the only factor. In an essay published by the American Psychological Association, Rebecca Clay cites Dr. Mary McKinney, explaining that if you are a woman or a person of color, you may have an even harder time saying no. When white men say no, they are viewed as assertive. Assertiveness is considered a desirable trait! However, when a woman or a person of color says no, they are often deemed aggressive instead of assertive. Not so desirable. And definitely not fair.
So is it just about hierarchy, then?
Well, no. It’s
not always blatantly hierarchical. Being
a yes-person or a people-pleaser is a tactic for avoiding conflict. In fact, even parents
may struggle saying no to their children, despite sitting at the top of the
family hierarchical pyramid. Who needs
the fight, right?
That means, if you are a particularly conflict-avoidant personality, you may have a harder time saying no. But ask yourself: Why is saying no likely to create a conflict? Is that the reality, or just a perception?
We can’t do everything for everyone.
That means, if you are a particularly conflict-avoidant personality, you may have a harder time saying no. But ask yourself: Why is saying no likely to create a conflict? Is that the reality, or just a perception?
We can’t do everything for everyone.
So, what do we do about it?
Before I get to
you all, sitting at the edge of your seats, wanting to know my tips for saying
no, I’m first going to address the askers (and you may find that you are both!)
Don’t contribute to the problem.
There’s no harm in
asking, you may think. But remember that
women and people of color may struggle to say no more than their white, male
counterparts. Don’t overburden the people
in your life, whether they be friends, family, colleagues, or subordinates. Be mindful of who you ask, when you ask, and
how you ask.
In fact, ask yourself, “why am I asking this person in particular?” Are you asking because you are aware of their technical skills to do the job well? Good. Go ahead and ask, but manage your expectations and accept if the answer is no. Are you asking because you think they have extra time? You may be wrong! Or are you asking because you simply expect they are the most likely to say yes? If it’s the latter, ask yourself where that perception comes from. You may need to rethink that strategy.
In fact, ask yourself, “why am I asking this person in particular?” Are you asking because you are aware of their technical skills to do the job well? Good. Go ahead and ask, but manage your expectations and accept if the answer is no. Are you asking because you think they have extra time? You may be wrong! Or are you asking because you simply expect they are the most likely to say yes? If it’s the latter, ask yourself where that perception comes from. You may need to rethink that strategy.
How to say NO.
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